Good News Watch

Thursday, August 12, 2004
Uday Hussein, Saddam Hussein's sadistic nutjob son, was once the head of Iraq's Olympic team. Whenever an athlete disappointed Uday Hussein, the murdering psychopath would personally brutalize the losers in a specially-equipped torture chamber in the committee headquarters.

Today, Uday Hussein is in hell getting intimate with Satan's hot iron-rod collection, and the Iraq soccer team, free from their former tormentor, has won a suprising, come-from-behind victory over Portugal in the first-round of the Olympics.

As you receive this good news, make sure to drink several cups of Kool-aid. Also, remind yourself continuously that the United States is a bullying imperial monster and that the invasion of the sovereign utopia of Iraq was a criminal atrocity which has left the Iraqi people much worse off than they were under docile Uncle Saddam. If necessary, flagellate yourself repeatedly while screaming, "Bush, EVILl! Saddam, good!"

P.S. To all the liberal pansies reading this, if the liberation of Iraq was indeed an illegal travesty and a blatant violation of international law, as so many of you insist, then wouldn't it only be proper to re-instate Saddam Hussein as President of Iraq, since he was unjustly deprived of this position by interim president Iyad Allawi in what amounted to a US-led military coup?

It seems only fair that we make an effort to reverse the terrible crimes that have been winflicted on poor ol' Mr. Hussein by our illegal liberation. Wouldn't you guys agree?