U.N. Investigator Debunks Terror Threat

A "U.N. investigator" by the name of Kalliopa K. Koufa has discovered after "several years of study" that the threat from global terrorism is not nearly as bad as it's chalked up to be, and has urged paranoid governments to pipe down, take a chill pill, and put a stop to the "exaggerated terror talk".

In her stunning and incisive 25-page report, Koufa, as she is referred to in the al-Reuters story, also laments the abuse of human rights stemming from stepped-up counter-terrorism measures; the conflation of "armed conflicts", waged in the name of "self-determination", with terrorism; and the downright hysterical concerns, expressed by President Bush and others, that chemical, biological, or nuclear weapons might one day fall into the hands of fanatical terrorist groups or rogue regimes. As Koufa so lucidly puts it, these fears are simply irrational because "nearly all terrorist acts have been carried out by traditional methods", and therefore it's unlikely that the terrorists will ever switch to non-traditional methods of slaughtering people.

Wow, what a relief! Now that a U.N. investigator named Kalliopa has determined that Islamo-fascism is really no big deal, I can sleep easy.

(U.N. looniness courtesy our devout comrades at the Politburo Diktat)