Balloons! Balloons! Balloons!

Believe it or not, I watched the Kerry speech last night. Kerry, it seems, was his usual stoic self, drawling on in his unbearably torpid tone about such issues as his service in Vietnam, health-care, Bush's lies, his service in Vietnam, national unity, his role as a war hero, and his service in Vietnam. Kerry's face seemed so numbed by the Botox-saturations that it was obviously a struggle for him to express any kind of emotion.

However, in all fairness to the guy, I was somewhat impressed by the fact that he spent part of his childhood in East Germany and that he went to school in Switzerland; as an ex-pat myself, I can appreciate the unique perspective that Kerry, having lived abroad, is capable of bringing to the Oval Office.

I also respect the fact that Kerry appears to be a thinking person who conveys a certain sophistication and intellectual heft that is clearly lacking in former frat-boy Bush. As much as I enjoy Bush's simple, down-to-earth manner, during some of his more painful press conferences, one can't help but wish that we had President who could competently form sentences, let alone express ideas.

*Gasps, clasps mouth in horror*

Oh dear, how dare I utter such profanity about our Great Wise Prophet. Bad, Penn, BAD!

*Brushes self off, continues*

Besides the shocking revelation that Kerry once served in Vietnam, the evening did contain one other notable highlight. It happened during the finale, when the convention director, not knowing that his every word was being broadcast live on CNN, started yelling expletives about the failure of the balloons to fall from the ceiling. Drudge has the transcript and the audio file. It's pretty hilarious.

WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU GUYS DOING UP THERE?"
DNC CONVENTION DIRECTOR DON MISCHER AIRED ON CNN AS KERRY ENDS SPEECH, HEARD WORLDWIDE:

'Go balloons, go balloons! Go balloons! I don't see anything happening. Go balloons! Go balloons! Go balloons! Standby confetti. Keep coming, balloons. More balloons. Bring it- balloons, balloons, balloons! We want balloons, tons of them. Bring them down. Let them all come. No confetti. No confetti yet.

'No confetti. All right, go balloons, go balloons. We need more balloons. All balloons! All balloons! Keep going! Come on, guys, lets move it. Jesus! We need more balloons. I want all balloons to go, goddammit. Go confetti. Go confetti. More confetti. I want more balloons. What's happening to the balloons? We need more balloons.

'We need all of them coming down. Go balloons- balloons? What's happening balloons? There's not enough coming down! All balloons, what the hell! There's nothing falling! What the fuck are you guys doing up there? We want more balloons coming down, more balloons. More balloons. More balloons'...

Mind the Forklift

If you still haven't seen the German safety video gone horribly wrong, then I suggest you, well, go see it. It may start off a little slow, but trust me, it quickly picks up pace.

And you don't need to know German to appreciate the gore.

Booger Bush

Having mocked Kerry for his nerdy photo-op at NASA, it suppose it's only fair that I point out one of Presiden't public bloopers as well. So here it is: Bush ransacking his nose at a baseball game:


Speaking of gold diggers...

You Go Boy!

Edwards to al-Qaeda: "You cannot run, you cannot hide; we will destroy you."

This is exactly the kind of tough, decisive, unequivocal rhetoric that I've been waiting to hear from the Democrats. Like many loyal conservatives who feel alienated by this Adminstration's reckless trampling of conservative principles, the main reason I continue to support Bush is that I feel he's got the balls, the clear-sightedness, and the moral courage to take on Osama and his band of murderers.

Thus, the only way I'm going to be convinced of Kerry's presidential worthiness is if he's able to prove that he's as serious about defeating terrorism as he is about making up with the French or windsurfing.

Frankly, I don't give a hoot for Kerry's domestic agenda; as long as Congress remains under Republican control, and as long as a gridlock exists between the legislative and the executive branch -- like Clinton before him -- Kerry's liberal impulses will be kept safely in check.

What I care most deeply about is victory in the War on Terror. Edwards' plainspoken vow to wipe out al-Qaeda provides at least partial assurance to me that a Kerry Administration would be genuinely committed to the success of that war.

Now all I need to hear from Kerry is that the war in Iraq was justified and that building a stable Iraqi democracy is vitally important to reforming the Middle East and vanquishing the terrorists. Then, and only then, might I hold my nose and reluctantly embrace the liberal brahmin.

Bush and Kerry Had Sex

At least according to Tom Brokaw...

The Crawford Wives

Another tasteless nugget from the pro-choice lobby:

The Crawford Wives



See also:

The Abortion T-Shirts
Hillary, Condoleeze appear in Stepford ad

Big Foot's Pet

An unidentified creature has been roaming the suburbs of Baltimore, pilfering cat food, grazing on lawns, and confounding local people, who can't seem to figure out what the heck it is.

The creature first struck me as some sort of bizarre midget horse or shaved hyena. Then it occurred to me that maybe this wandering animal is Big Foot's escaped pet, which means that if we manage to capture it, then we might just find Big Foot's address and telephone number on the collar.

[Roll laugh track]

Mystery Creature Lurks In Baltimore County




GLYNDON, Md. -- A mystery animal is on the loose in Baltimore County and not even the experts can pin down what it is.

[Slash]

More than a month after the first sighting, the creature has become a neighborhood regular and showing up often.

Kim Carlsen: "It comes to our house. It's been up in the woods for a while and it comes up through the bottom of our yard and eats our cat food."

Despite the fact it's lurking in these woods and no one knows when or where it will come out, no one here seems afraid of it.

Jacob Wroe: "I don't know, it doesn't look like it's going to harm anybody."

Even the other neighborhood animals like Bullwinkle the dog next door seem okay with the beast.

Kim Carlsen: "It's not afraid of the cats and the cats seem to get along with it fine."

The beast is not shy, and visits most often under bright sun. While no one here knows what it is, they do have a name for it -- the hyote, a combination of a hyena and a coyote.

Do you think Big Foot's offering a reward? Ha, ha.

See also:

Authorities Catch Alligator-Type Animal In Baltimore County

Grey Lady Outs Herself

At long last, the Grey Lady (aka, the New York Times) has come out of the closet as a liberal ragsheet.

Personally, I'm delighted that the New York Times has found the courage to admit that it is a megaphone for liberal agitprop. After all, now that the Grey Lady has finally disposed of any last pretension of fairness, I can finally give up whining about its (once) hidden bias.

In the wake of the Grey Lady's confession, I wonder: will the Democrats finally admit that the "liberal media" is not just a phantom dreamt up by paranoid conservatives?

I doubt it.

(Frank media admissions courtesy Evil White Guy)

You Know You're High When...

...you cut off your own penis, fry it, and eat it.

Man cuts off penis, eats it
A MALAYSIAN man sliced off his own penis, then fried and ate it after taking hallucinatory pills that caused him to hear voices urging him to mutilate himself, police said today.

The 34-year-old man claimed he only realised what he had done when he saw blood oozing from his crotch, said a police spokesman in the town of Sitiawan, 300km north of Kuala Lumpur.

The man had taken hallucinatory pills before sleeping on Friday and awoke hearing voices telling him to chop off his penis and devour it, the spokesman said on customary condition of anonymity.

See also:

Crazed surgeon amputates penis
Peruvian man lops off testicle

Tales of the Oral Cavity

I'm not a dentist, but somehow I doubt that semen is an effective teeth-cleaning agent...


SEE ALSO:

Dentist pulls 14 teeth in surgery mishap
£1.5m for boy brain damaged at dentist

Kinder, Gentler Saddam

Does the the Butcher of Baghdad have a soft, sensitive side? According to reports, Saddam Hussein has been passing jail-time by eating muffins, writing poems, and tending to a garden -- presumably with an iron fist.

Glum Saddam writes poems about George Bush
Former Iraqi president Saddam Hussein appears depressed and demoralised in solitary confinement, spending his time writing poetry, tending a garden and reading the Qur'an

[...]

[Amin] reported that Saddam was being treated for high blood pressure and a chronic prostate infection [Who does the prostate inspections?], and was gaining weight after losing five kilograms during a time when he resisted all fatty foods.

Saddam and other detainees get an MRE (meal ready-to-eat) breakfast, and hot food twice a day, Amin said. Dessert might include oranges, apples, pears or plums, but Saddam also likes American muffins and biscuits. [The man's slaughtered millions of people, and we're serving him "pears and plums"?]

[...]

Amin said Saddam tends a garden during his daily three-hour exercise period.

"He is looking after a few bushes and shrubs and has even placed a circle of white stones around a small palm tree," said Amin. "His apparent care for his surroundings is ironic when you think he was responsible for one of the biggest ecocides when he drained the southern marshes."

Over at FARK.com, the nice Farkers have been supplying Saddam with some additional limericks and haikus. Here's my favorite:

That damn infidel
Whose muffins I now enjoy
Took Iraq from me

And here's one of my own:

My butt is quite sore
from the prostate inspections
Yet I enjoy this

Feel free to leave some asinine poetic nuggets below...

Teresa Heinzquarters

The vast right-wing conspiracy has produced a fabricated interview with Teresa Heinz in which the presumptive first lady curses-out Ted Kennedy and describes Democrats as "putrid".

The Kennedy camp has countered this subversive fascist propaganda with a devastating rebuttal, calling the quote "irrelevant".

Teresa, you better mind your hind.

Fair and Balanced

I've noticed lately that a number of visitors to my blog are John Kerry supporters. Of course, it is of great importance to me that my site is as agreeable as possible to the widest range of readers -- even if some of those readers are mentally challenged. Therefore, in light of this peculiar influx of liberals, I've decided in the interest of fairness to toss a few bloody morsels of anti-Bush sacrilege to the hungry Kerryite mob.

Not only will the anti-Bush chum emit a rancid stench that is sure to attract leftists, a little sprinkling of anti-Bush humor will also allow me to maintain at least a veneer of fairness while I go about bludgeoning Kerry like a retarded circus monkey who refuses to dance.

So enjoy, Kerry-philes!

Abortion, Branded

I have nothing against people who believe that women should be allowed to choose whether to have an abortion. In fact, to some extent, I'm one such person.

However, I do have a problem with militant feminazis who glorify this horrendous procedure as a means of female empowerment, and who celebrate having an abortion by wearing T-shirts (courtesy of Planned Parenthood) that boast about it...

"I Had An Abortion" T-shirts


They have finally arrived!

Planned Parenthood is proud to offer yet another t-shirt in our new social fashion line: "I Had an Abortion" fitted T-shirts are now available. These soft and comfortable fitted tees assert a powerful message in support of women's rights.

Order yours for $15 each.

Kerry Imitates Oompa-Loompas

A strange case of deja-vu...

Kerry:


Oompa-Loompas:

"Dickle"

Rasputin and his foot-long pickled monstrosity could give Dick Cheney a run for his money.

A visitor looks at Rasputin's penis displayed at the first Russian museum of erotica in St. Petersburg. The museum was founded by Igor Knyazkin, the chief of the prostate research center of the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences.

Singing His Own Praises

I don't mean to stereotype, but dictators tend to be a rather self-absorbed bunch. After all, anyone who spends their entire adult life bossing millions people of round has to be a little pompous.

Saddam Hussein, for one, was famous for his extreme egotism, which he expressed by demanding that Iraq's children refer to him as "Father", by depicting himself in ubiquitous public portraits as a buff, Babylonian hero, and by erecting a plethora of giant statues and extravagant palaces to honor his godly leadership.

In North Korea, Great Communist Visionary Kim Jong-il is surrounded by an insane, Orwellian personality cult that would make even Saddam jealous. The idolization of Kim Jong-il is so ludicrous that North Korean school children are actually taught that he was born to a virgin on a luscious hill-side under glowing rays of sunlight, and that he and his father are so superhumanly perfect that they transcend the need of ordinary people to eat and defecate.

In fact, despite not having enough food to feed its people, the impoverished Stalinist state spends up to $900 million dollars year (4% of GNP) furnishing Kim Jong-Il's absurd personality cult.



Few tyrants could surpass the sheer pathological narcissism or towering megalomania of Saddam Hussein and Kim Jong-il; still, most dictators rely on their bloated ego to keep their regime afloat. And the dictator of Turkmenistan is no exception.

Recently, Mr. Niyavoz, whose previous acts of egotistical flair include renaming months of the year after himself, appeared on television to read a self-penned poem in which he revealed himself as a heavenly savior, who had arisen as the spirit of Turkmenistan to lead his people into a "golden age".

Turkmen president waxes lyrical



[No offense to our heavenly savior, but the guy seriously looks like a hybrid of Tom Ridge and Boris Yeltsin.]

The leader of Turkmenistan has shown another side to his talents - by revealing himself as a poet.

President Saparmurat Niyavoz used a recent public holiday to regale the nation with a work of his own - The New Turkmen Spirit.

Mr Niyazov, whose initiatives include renaming months of the year after himself, left no doubt about the spirit's identity: him.

The poem expresses his devotion to the nation, but warns against dissent.

"I am the Turkmen spirit, reborn to bring you a golden age," the poem begins.

It goes on to echo a favourite theme of Mr Niyazov, who likes to be known as Turkmenbashi, or leader of the Turkmen - that he protects and sacrifices himself for his people.

"I do not spare myself for you, for I am devoted to you all," he promises, adding, "I am your saviour."

The president has shown his devotion to the smallest detail of his people's lives.

Mr Niyazov banned smoking in public places after he was ordered to give up the habit following heart surgery in 1997.

Earlier this year, he passed a decree forbidding young men to wear long hair or beards, and ordered a young woman to have her gold teeth replaced with white ones.

The promise to be his people's saviour applies only to those who "are still faithful to me".

"While cherishing my allies, I am desperate to fight my enemies," Mr Niyazov declares.

[...] "My sight is sharp - I see everything," warns the leader, who earlier this year ordered the government to intensify video surveillance to "let us know if a fly quietly buzzes past".

Or, in the words of the poem: "If you are honest in your deeds, I see this; if you commit wrongdoing, I see that too."

[So not only is he the President, he's Santa Claus too.]

If you ask me, the extraordinary hubris of dictators stems from a need to compensate for a certain short-coming. Therefore, my theory is that the best way to get rid of oppressive despots is not through diplomacy or regime change, but rather, through a free shipment of Enzyte.

Bureacratic Silliness

Having solved all the city's other problems, L.A. officials have set their sights on the urgent matter of outlawing silly string.

L.A. considers banning silly string
LOS ANGELES - Silly string's days may be numbered in Los Angeles.

The City Council is set to consider an ordinance Friday that would ban the substance from use in public places.

One councilman says banning silly string is needed to clean up the streets of Hollywood and other areas where it is often used during Halloween and New Year's parties. He says the aerosol-powered spray string can clog sewers.

Many others say the council is wasting time by discussing such a seemingly trivial issue.

The ingredients of silly string are kept secret by manufacturers, but some kinds contain a small amount of alcohol and plasticizers.

See also:

New York bans sale of used underwear

McMarijuana

A 16 year-old girl has discovered a partially smoked marijuana cig in a yogurt parfait purchased from a local fast-food joint (pun intended).

Which reminds me of the time I found a used hypodermic needle in my chocolate milk shake...

The World is a Zoo

How do you say "pull over" in ostrich?

Police Chase

TAIPEI, Taiwan -- Police on motorscooters attempt to pull over an ostrich who escaped from a children's petting zoo. The ostrich eluded capture. (05/09/04 AP photo)

'Round the Corner

ROANOKE, Va. -- A 300-pound, male, black bear walks through the halls of Carilion Franklin Memorial Hospital around 9:10 p.m. People in the background have not seen the bear at the time of this picture. Officers planned to sedate the bear, but they were worried what might happen if the bear got loose in the hospital. So an officer shot and killed the bear. Photo taken by a hospital surveillance camera. (06/15/04 AP photo/The Roanoke Times)

Capitalism's Nifty Excesses (II)

Another useless and amusing product of over-wrought consumerism.

Pedestrian Turn Signals


Now they have thought of everything!! Cars have turn signals, why not humans?!!

We proudly present the Pedestrian Turn Signals, being safe has never been so much fun!!

Pedestrian Turn Signals have snug, thin wires that fit around your earlobe. Use the attached remote to choose which ear you want to light up, or light up both to show your braking!! And just maybe if your lucky enough you might be able to guide Santa's Sleigh!!

Pedestrian Turn Signals yours for only $5.95

Note the over-use of exclamation marks: a clear sign of desperation.

See also:

The Banana Guard

Gar-f***ing-field

Is Garfield giving kids the bird? We report, you decide.

That'll Wake Him Up

Corvette promised to son in coma

Loads of Rubbish

A compendium of funny junk, updated (near) daily:

July 23, 2004

20 questions [It's A.I. in action.]
Natural Highs
Jump the Shark [The episode that broke the series' back.]
Dancing Bush [President of Grooviness]

July 18, 2004

Mullets Galore [Warning: may be offensive to people married to cousin and/or living in trailer park.]
Sandals & Socks [Exposing the unholy combination of sandals and white socks.]
Bathroom Habits Survey [Are you a folder or a crumpler? Do you shiver when you pee?]
Stick Death [Animated stick figures battle it out in strangely gruesome ways. Great for toddlers.]

July 15, 2004

Political Compass [Chart your persuasion]
Despair, Inc. [Sample calendar: "DREAMS: Dreams are like rainbows. Only idiots chase them.]
Clumsy Crooks [Headline: "Man Charged With Stealing Tracking Device"]
Euphenism Generator [Churn out random eupehemisms]

July 14, 2004

Dress Up Jesus! [Warning: May cause damnation and/or sudden death by thunderbolt]
Monkey Spank [Involves spanking monkey: may be offensive to PETA activitsts]
Rock Paper Scissors Strategy Guide [Yes, there are strategies]
Human for Sale [What's your self-worth?]

July 13, 2004

Ask Stalin [Uncle Joe knows!]
Bald Celebrities [Shave the stars!]
Disturbing Auctions [Samples: "Postcard of Goat Nursing a Baby", "Scupture of UPS Driver"]
Kerry/Bush Duet

July 12, 2004

Jesus Christ Action Figure [Cross not included.]
McD in Da Ghetto
["McDonalds -- We Loves it When You Be Smilin'"]
Museum of Coathangers
Cool Mailboxes

July 10, 2004

F*ck Osama [Involves sodomizing bin Laden w/Empire State Building: may be offensive to Islamic terrorists]
Sneeze Fetish [Pics of people sneezing]
Last Words of Criminal
Roger Moore's eyebrows of fun [Dance, eyebrows, dance!]

July 8, 2004

ColonBlow.com
Butt-plug... Butt-plug... BUTT PLUG!
Steer the Drunk
Which Way? [A very fun little game]

July 7, 2004

Bloopers of the Pillbury Doughguy
Rock, Paper, Saddam

Foaming at the Mouth

Another angry fanatic of the religious right.


(Frothing extremism courtesy of Curmudgeonly & Skeptical)

Good News Watch

The Wall Street Journal round up the past two weeks' worth good news from Iraq. It was enough to make me optimistic.

Catchfish

I've heard of dogs playing fetch and seals balancing beach balls on their noses, but I've never heard of a catfish trying to swallow a basketball.

But it happened... In a remarkable tale of marine athletics, a 50 lb. catfish was caught bobbing along the surface of a lake with a basketball lodged in its gaping mouth. The ball was only removed when the cameraman deflated it with a knife.

In fact, this ain't a hoax; according to Snopes.com, the Internet's chief debunker of urban legends, the pictures are authentic.





With Shaq's departure, the Los Angeles Lakers are in desperate need of some fresh new talent. In the catfish, I believe they may find a rising star.

Youch!

One fortunate boyfriend...



(Ball-fondling courtesy of Curmudgeonly & Skeptical)

See also:

Britney's Nipple Gaffe

Bigs Bunny

Holland has become the proud home of a 27 lb. rabbit - the largest in the world.

Giant Rabbit Is As Big As 3-Year-Old

A 27-pound rabbit from Holland is believed to be the world's longest rabbit, according to a Local 6 News report.

Roberto the 2-year-old Continental Giant is almost 4 feet long and sleeps on a dog's bed because he can't fit into a normal-sized hutch. Roberto is larger most 3-year-old children, according to the report.

Although Roberto is believed to be the world's biggest bunny, Guinness World Records said it has stopped listing "biggest animal" titles out of fear that it may lead to people deliberately overfeeding their pets to win the coveted title.

Continental Giant rabbits can live for up to 12 years, suggesting that with at least 10 years left, Roberto may still have a bit of growing to do.

See also:

Bunny Bondage
Wascally Wabbits
The Titanic: Bunnified

Dollar Diet

A man in Columbia tried to smuggle $50,000 passed airport authorities by swallowing the dollops of cash and storing them in his stomach. Benjamin Franklin unavailable for comment.

Nearly $50,000 in traveler's stomach
BOGOTA, Colombia - A suspect swallowed nearly $50,000 in cash in a failed attempt to smuggle the funds out of Colombia, officials said Monday.

Bogota airport police said they X-rayed the suspect because he was acting nervous while preparing to board a flight for Lima, Peru.

The photo showed dozens of latex-wrapped packets inside his stomach and police assumed it was drugs, since such a smuggling technique is used by traffickers.

But as the suspect passed the packages from his body, police discovered they were filled with cash — $47,500.

[...] Vargas said interrogations of the suspect indicated the money was probably going to be used to pay for a drug shipment.

See also:

allAfrica.com
Caught With 71 Wraps of Heroine in Stomach

MosNews.com
Drug Smuggler Dies After Heroin Capsules Burst in Stomach

Heart on Her Sleeve

A miraculous little baby has won the medical lottery by surviving, against incredible odds, an extremely rare condition in which the heart is formed outside the body.

Baby born with heart outside body

Charli Southern has defied the odds by surviving despite being born with her heart outside her chest, it is reported.

She was born seven weeks premature with a very rare condition called ectopia cordis where the chest fails to close properly over part of the heart.

Doctors rated Charli's chances of survival at two million to one, but so far she has confounded medical opinion.

But she is making a good recovery following two major operations, and it is hoped she will lead a normal life.

[Read the rest...]

Unfriendly Skies

A couple of Russian flight attendants started beating up a passenger after he complained about the job performance of the drunken crew.

'Reverse air-rage' on Russian jet
Two flight attendants have attacked a passenger in an unprecedented case of reverse air-rage, according to Russia's leading airline.

An Aeroflot spokeswoman said the incident occurred after the passenger, named as Artyom Chernopup, said the men were drunk and not doing their job. Russian media said the victim left the plane with a black eye.

[...]

An airport representative said that a medical examination after the flight showed the cabin attendants were heavily intoxicated.

Another passenger claimed that the stewards distributed in-flight meals only when the plane started its descent, and managed to spill large quantities of food on the floor.

"At this point I noticed something was wrong," the passenger said. "Only about half the meals ended up on the tables or in the laps of passengers, the rest ended up on the floor.

"We left the plane with lunch-boxes crunching beneath our feet."

High Way

Car crashes into roof of home

America is EVIL!

Visiting a village, offering a hand

First-Class Treatment

Passengers give troops first-class seats

T-Rexxon

A Trial Lawyer of the People!

Edwards and wife celebrate anniversary at Wendy's

Poking Holes

The U.N. kangaroo world court has ordered Israel to stop construction on a security barrier currently being built between it and the Palestinians. The court decided, based on its omnipotent legal authority and moral wisdom, that the barrier in question is a "violation" of "international law".

This is a case-in-point of why international law, and its buffoonish enforcers at the U.N., is such a corrupt and thoroughly flawed system. Certainly there are legitimate objections to the nature and proposed path of the Israeli wall, which in some places cuts deep into Arab terrorities and therefore threatens to severely disrupt the flow and continuity of Palestinian society and to prejudice future discussion over borders.

Whatever its flaws, however, the wall is being built on the perfectly reasonable and justifiable notion that it will prevent suicide bombings and save innocent Israelis from being maimed or killed by terrorists.

And in fact, the wall has most definitely succeeded at its intended purpose; suicide bombings have been drastically reduced over the past year and the violence shows signs of tapering off. Indeed, as a result of the wall, the Palestinian murder gangs are looking increasingly desperate and impotent by the day.

Ultimately, to demand that Israel tear down their security wall and willfully re-open the floodgates of Palestinian terrorism, is to ask that the Israeli government subordinate its security to the moronic diktats of an irrelevant, farcical legal junta composed of morally-bankrupt U.N. bureacrats. The Israelis would have to be downright masochistic to obey the ruling. Fortunately, there's no chance of that.

Security Breach

Were They On Vacation?

New Zealand jails Israeli 'spies'

WMD Found in West Bank

Islamo-Fascists

Deja-Vu.

Gogigyeopbbang With Fries

(More culinary dispatches from the leftovers of the Communist bloc.)

Maybe the North Koreans have finally realized the wisdom of market-capitalism; or maybe they've just gotten tired of eating boiled grass and pine needles.

Either way, the famished mad-Marxist hermit kingdom has decided, after decades of perpetual starvation and visceral anti-Americanism, to introduce to its people the ultimate culinary symbol of imperialist America: the hamburger.

Lately, Kim Jong-il has been heard touting the nutritional qualities of the Gogigyeopbbang (the Korean word for hamburger), and has even gone so far as to advocate publicly on behalf of that most quintessential of American foods, the freedom french fry.

Ladies and Gentleman, the revolution is underway.

North Korea introduces hamburger to starving people
After five decades denouncing the United States and its capitalist system, North Korea has adopted one of America's best-known inventions - the hamburger.

In the past, Pyongyang propaganda denounced South Koreans for eating bread, the food of the American imperialists, instead of rice. But North Korean media have now acknowledged that the mass production of hamburgers was ordered personally by Kim Jong-il, the secretive Stalinist nation's dictator, as long ago as 2000.

"I have made up my mind to feed quality bread and French fries to university students, professors and researchers, even if we are in hardship," he is reported to have said.

North Korea has renamed the burger the gogigyeopbbang which means "double bread with meat". The first North Koreans supplied with hamburgers were students at Kim il-Sung University, where the party elite are educated and indoctrinated in the regime's philosophy of juche, or self-reliance.

Failed economic policies and years of natural disasters have left North Korea unable to feed its population.

However, aid workers say that Pyongyang's privileged party workers can enjoy their pick of restaurants serving everything from shark-fin soup and sushi to hot dogs.

SEE ALSO:

Let Them Eat Pine Needles!
Kremlin Fried Chicken
Pancakes for Pinkos

Gas Explosion

Take a porto-potty, a cigarette, and a build-up of methane gas. What do you have? A recipe for diaster...

Smoker Ignites Portable Toilet Explosion
BLACKSVILLE, W.Va. (AP) - Warning: smoking in the toilet can be dangerous. A portable toilet exploded Tuesday after a man who was inside it lit a cigarette.

Emergency workers said the man was not severely injured [...] The explosion, which occurred in Blacksville, resulted from a buildup of methane gas inside the portable toilet. The methane did not "take too kindly" to the lit cigarette, said a spokeswoman for Monongalia Emergency Medical Services.

Democrits

John Edwards, the new heart-throb of the Democratic party, likes to talk about raising taxes on "the rich" and closing loopholes that supposedly allow companies to exploit overseas tax havens.

But despite his avid enthusiasm for tax increases, when it comes to paying his own share of the tax burden, the multi-millionaire ambulance-chaser seems a little less than eager.

Below is an excerpt from an article in the Wall Street Journal (run for your lives, liberals!) that exposes Edwards', as well as Kerry's blatant tax dodging.

You know, I'm beginning to think that Edwards and his liberal ilk wouldn't be so goddamn giddy about tax increases if they actually paid taxes.

Senator Edwards talks about the need to provide health care for all, but that didn't stop him from using a clever tax dodge to avoid paying $591,000 into the Medicare system. While making his fortune as a trial lawyer in 1995, he formed what is known as a "subchapter S" corporation, with himself as the sole shareholder.

Instead of taking his $26.9 million in earnings directly in the following four years, he paid himself a salary of $360,000 a year and took the rest as corporate dividends. Since salary is subject to 2.9% Medicare tax but dividends aren't, that meant he shielded more than 90% of his income. That's not necessarily illegal, but dodging such a large chunk of employment tax skates perilously close to the line.

The same vein of hypocrisy that is seen in Edwards' tax dodging, runs through the wider stream of liberal thought. Like women in mink coats lamenting the abuse of animals, the liberal elites love preaching one thing and practicing another.
 
You see it in the Hollywood airheads screeching about environmental degradation while turning up the thermostat in their central-heated mansions. You see it in Michael Moore, bemoaning the plight of the working man from the comfort of his West Side penthouse. You see it in John Kerry, decrying the scourge of outsourcing and the greed of "Benedict Arnold" CEOs, while his wife's company churns out ketchup from its 57 global factories. And you see it in John Edwards vowing to fix the health-care mess while avoiding to pay his Medicare taxes. Clearly, there is a gaping disconnect between what the Democrats advocate in public and what they do in private.

In all fairness, it must be said that the same type of hypocrisy permeates the social conservatives, who, like liberals, have a nasty habit of imposing rules and standards on others that they themselves seem unwilling to follow.

Newt Gingrich, for example, railed against Clinton's personal shenanigans while in the midst of his own extramarital affair. Bill Bennet, a notorious crusader for the Christian Right, bewailed the loss of morals while nurturing a gambling addiction on the side. And while the Bible-thumping moralists rushed to villify Clinton for his unsavory sexual escapades, nary a peep has been heard from them about revelations that a disgraced former Republican Senator tried to force his celebrity wife to perform lewd sex acts in public.

Ultimately, libertarianism is the most consistent philosophy because its underlying message - namely, that individuals should be free to pursue their lives without undue interference from the state - leaves little room for contradiction. Libertarians want to minimize government and maximize freedom - end of story.

Al-Hussein (II)

In all fairness, the cartoon fails to note one key difference between these two raging egotists. During the 2000 election, Al Gore demanded endless recounts to prove that he'd won; Saddam Hussin, assuming he'd even hold an election, would have brushed aside those nuisances and simply gassed Florida.

Palestinian Child Abuse

Palestinian "militant" groups have established terror training camps for kids as young as 10. Sky News reports:

Gaza's Killing Schools


Children as young as 10 are being recruited to fight for the Palestinian cause.

Sky News has gained access to a young people’s camp in Gaza, where the only lesson taught is how to kill Israelis.

Sky’s Middle East Correspondent Emma Hurd said the camp, at an undisclosed location, had been set up to drill children in the ways of war.

The recruits, some of whom are dwarfed by their AK-47 assault rifles, are taught how to carry out ambushes.

They are also made to do an obstacle course, crawling under barbed wire and leaping through hoops of fire while their instructors fire live bullets overhead.

Hurd witnessed one training session in which a militant, dressed as a Jewish settler complete with yarmulke skull cap, was ambushed in his car.Gunmen pulled the “settler” from his vehicle and Hurd was told if this had been real he would have been killed.

[...]The boys even "graduate" at the end of their training, receiving a certificate from the camp commander.

[Read the rest...]

How can you grant statehood to a people that recruits their own children into terrorism? As Golda Meir once said, there will be peace "when the Palestinians love their children more than they hate the Jews".


SEE ALSO:

Palestinian Child Abuse Slideshow

Link? What Link?

Alec over at Error Theory points out that the CIA has offered no evidence to contradict a Czech intelligence report that in 2001, 9/11 ring-leader and chief hijacker, Mohammed Atta, travelled to the Czech Republic to meet with a spy at the Iraqi embassy.

The CIA has rejected the report as little more than rumor; but despite the CIA's dismissal, the Czech government has continued to stand by its account. Error Theory continues:

Further, the Czechs not only continue to stand by their Atta-Ani claim, but have corroborated it by sleuthing Al Ani's datebook from the Iraqi embassy in Prague. Atta described himself on his passport as "a Hamburg student." Ani's schedule notes a meeting on the day in question with a "Hamburg student." Yet outgoing CIA chief George Tenet claimed this week that the agency is "increasingly skeptical" of the Czech intelligence.

Though the Democrats and the media have already determined in their own minds that there was no relationship between Iraq and al-Qaeda, and that Bush and Cheney are dirty liars for suggesting otherwise, the mass of circumstantial evidence indicates that there was at least some low-level communication between the two camps in the years preceding the 9/11 attacks.

And then there's the picture that's worth a pre-emptive war:

Biker Gymnastics

The luckiest man alive...

Perfect With Freedom Fries

WKetchup: "You don't support Democrats. Why should your ketchup?"

Banana Guard

A most tantalizing double entendre:

Protect your banana from bruising, rot, and premature ripening with the new Banana Guard, a portable storage device for your banana! Choose from nine dashing colors, including Glow in the Dark, Mellow Yellow, Sublime Green, and Ravishing Red!

Child's Play

A massive collection of child pornography has been uncovered at a Catholic seminary in Austria.

The bishop in charge of the seminary, however, has dismissed the 40,000 images and films as part of a "childish prank". Childish, indeed.

Hopefully there's a special place in hell reserved for that sick, perverted creep.

Holy Cows and Evil Demons

Cow Lick

Thousands of sick Cambodians are paying to be licked by a "holy cow" rumored to possess magical healing powers.

Cambodians lining up for miracle lick
Thousands of ill Cambodians are flocking to this northern village to be licked by a mystical cow named Preah who is curing their complaints, its owner has claimed.

Farmer Puch Pich said up to 400 people have been turning up daily for the past fortnight to be slobbered over, after the 13-month-old white beast apparently cured his wife Kong Mich of a chronic illness. They have been braving Cambodia’s notoriously bad rainy season roads to travel from around the kingdom, paying 500 riel per person for four licks on the limb or body part of their choice.

“The cow won’t lick people who don’t put in their money... and if he doesn’t think you believe in his powers, he won’t lick you either,” Puch Pich quipped.

[Read the rest...]

True Fiction

In other news that proves that the Third World is a seriously screwed-up place, an African town has hired trained sorcerers to purge the local primary school of evil demon spirits that are remored to be casting spells on students, causing them to "undress" and "foam around the mouth".

The man accused of unleashing the demons, Mr. Sserunkuuma, has defended himself by claiming that he lost control of the demons after he was unable to come up with the 300 virgin girls and several cows that the evil spirits had demanded in "blood sustenance".

And we wonder why Africa's impoverished and sickly.

Britney Pulls a Janet

In an apparent imitation of Janet Jackson's literally "star-studded" appearanceat the Super Bowl, Britney Spears left breast came tumbling out of its perch in the singer's skin-tight costume during a performance in Ireland.

Unfortunately for the lonely, middle-aged men who comprise a large portion of the pop-star's fan-base, Britney's breast was mostly concealed by her hair. In fact, the incident was so discrete that it went unnoticed until photos of the exposure were developed afterwards.

Britey's Boob Comes Unleashed During Concert

OOPS! Pop babe Britney Spears boobs on stage — just like Janet Jackson did earlier this year.

Britney, 22, spilled out of her costume when a dancer’s arm caught her PVC top.

Amazingly, it went unnoticed until a photographer developed unprocessed shots of the event last month in Belfast.

This isn't the first time that one of Britney's nipples has entered the public limelight.

According to NippleSlips.com, a watch-dog group that monitors this sort of naked displays, Britney's nipples have made a series of minor appearances throughout her career, including one instance of ostensible slippage that occurred under the glare of paparazzi cameras at the 2003 Cannes Film Festival.

The bonanza of exposed nipples aside, what's most delightful about this story is that it provides a convenient excuse to rehash the old clip of Janet Jackson's history-making Super Bowl stunt. Enjoy!




SEE ALSO:

NippleSlips.com
The Mystery of Britney Spears's Breast Size

---

UPDATE:
All this nipple-related controversy bring to mind a classic Seinfeld episode in which Elaine mails out a Christmas card that includes, to her great embarassment, a noticable appearance by her tit.

PETA Police

Germany must be a low-crime place if the country's police officers are able to focus their law-enforement efforts on resuscitating rabbits and rescuing ducklings from man-holes:

German Police Rescue Trapped Ducklings
BERLIN (Reuters) - German police made quacking noises to coax two trapped ducklings out of danger, after they fell through a manhole cover and got trapped in a sewage pipe.

Passers-by called the police and fire brigade when they saw the ducklings' distressed mother by the roadside.

Police officers opened the manhole but could not reach the ducklings. "Two officers decided to imitate duck noises," said a police spokesman in the city of Wiesbaden.

Their quacks proved more effective than those of the mother duck and guided the ducklings to safety.

German Police Revive Rabbit
BERLIN (Reuters) - German police have successfully resuscitated a dwarf rabbit named Napoleon by breathing through a ball point pen after he passed out in a house fire, authorities say.

Two officers were called to a Berlin flat where firefighters had dragged the unconscious rabbit's cage outside. The officers opened Napoleon's mouth with a pen and breathed down it while giving the pet a cardio massage, a police spokesman said on Saturday.

The officers then rushed Napoleon by police car to a vet, who will keep him for observation for a few days.

Back in the Game

Freed Gitmo detainees return to terrorism

Mooscara

Cow Brains Banned From Cosmetics

They Call Her Noelle

Imagine buying one of these for your daughter... A medical website is selling a creepy pregnant mannikin, which doctors use in practicing their baby-delivering techniques.

The specially-designed plastic model includes two babies, an expandable cervix, and not one, not two, but three insertable vulvas. What a deal!

Hey Radies!

(Bad Sign courtesy Engrish.com)

Ally Album

(Fine Leather Products courtesy Curmudgeonly and Skeptical)

Subservient Chicken

The ckicken will obey!




SEE ALSO:

Chicken's X-Rated Bits Exposed by Code
Chicken commands
Snopes: Subservient Chicken true?

Rabid Partisanship

Watch Below

(GIF Wars courtesy WeirdAssShit.com)

Homeland Insecurity

FBI searching for 200 lbs. of stolen explosives

Terrorists or Tourists?

What were two Iranian men doing filming buses and New York landmarks with a hidden camcorder? That doesn't sound like innocent sight-seeing to me.

Can You Hear Me AAH!!

I'm having a lot of trouble deciding whether, overall, the cell phone is a good thing for society or a bad thing. On the one hand, mobile phones are reducing men's sperm counts and exploding in people's pockets.

On the other hand, a mobile phone recently proved itself a life-saver for a couple of hapless girls who became stranded on a hill-side swarming with rattle-snakes - though it must be said, the girls ended up in the ordeal while searching for clear reception.

Cell Phone Call Saves Girls Surrounded By Rattlesnakes
Rattlesnake Trapper Finds 25 To 30 Snakes In Area
Two Colorado girls vacationing in Montana used a cell phone to call for help after finding themselves on a hillside infested with dozens of rattlesnakes.

Izzy Effler, 13, and Morgan Beadwell, 12, climbed a hill in Livingston to try to get cell phone reception.

However, while climbing, Izzy said a rattlesnake struck at her.

Morgan also reportedly stepped on a snake.

The girls then discovered that they were surrounded by six rattlers and used the phone to call for help, according to the report.

Brian Effler and his nephew eventually rescued the girls after shooting two of the snakes.

A rattlesnake trapper said he saw 25 to 30 snakes in the area.

The girls were not injured.

By the way, here's a cell phone joke for the occasion:

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

Leftist Freak Watch

Ted Rall is one of the most filthy cretins on the LEft. Recently he sunk to whole new depths with a sadistic, racist and deeply disturbed "cartoon" in which he depicts his revenge fantasies against Condi Rice and other Administration figures.

Condi in particular is shown at a "Racial Re-education Camp", where she pleads, "I was Bush's beard! His house nigga!", before being told to hand over her hair-straightener.

If ever a right-winger were to publish such ugly thoughts, he would be duly villified by the media and banished from normal society. But Ted Rall can get away with this kind of monstrous hatred because he's a sophisticated liberal - and a nationally syndicated cartoonist, at that.

Unfairenhate 9/11

Nowadays it seems that you either worship Bush like the Second Messiah, or you loathe him like the incarnation of Satan. Politics has become so divided and polarized that it has begun to resemble a savage holy war between two rival religions. And no where is there a more devout or fervent practitioner of the liberal religion than Michael Moore, a disgusting glob of lard who has become the leading jihadist of the Democratic Party.

His film, Fahrenheit 9/11, is not a documentary, inasmuch as a documentary contains some relation to the truth. Rather, is a crude, conspiratorial hallucination, presented in convenient theatrical form. Moore despises our President with such pathological fervor that in his eyes every Administration policy, from the war in Afghanistan to airport security, must be a vehicle for some unknown sinister motive, which, of course, has been dutifully covered up by the media.

Michael Moore, that fat, repulsive slob, lives in a paranoid delusion: a wild-eyed fantasy world in which greedy oil barons with deep connections to terrorist masterminds have seized control of the White House; in which a brainwashed citizenry blindly follows its leaders into an atrocious war that, unbeknownest to them, was conceived in Texas by a petrol-thristy elite bent on plundering the Middle East's oil reserves; and in which Moore himself, that lone warrior of truth, is the only man who can rescue this nation of helpless dupes from the grips of an evil, money-grubbing cabal of corporate demons.

Michael Moore is an egotistical fatso who should be stuffed into an meed grinder and then fed to wild dogs. Needless to say, I didn't enjoy his movie.

Now that I’ve spouted my heart out, what’s your opinion of my opinion? Leave your comments below.

Theory of Relativity

(Matter of Size courtesy Curmudeonly and Skeptical)